Vaginas Are Kind of Like Purses
“I fell on it…”
A common occurrence during seemingly pleasant, casual, and yes, especially formal social gatherings is the subject of foreign bodies. These conversations usually happen around the dinner table, or over coffee and a moist, gooey, dessert dripping with melted chocolate and caramel swirl. I think it adds a little special nuance to the overall topic when it’s discussed at length over dessert or at an afternoon potluck when the visual inspiration is so strong and appealing for the good doctors to reference.
Since medical school, I have prohibited my husband from talking about any of the stories he reads about when we dine together. Moreover, he is also forbidden to use food descriptors when sharing his medical stories. To tell me that a bad abrasion looked like raw hamburger, or excreted an ooze like chowder, is wonderfully vivid–and though I would normally applaud and slap an “A” on an essay that was turned in with such imagery—I just can’t handle it when I’m around food. I love food. And these discussions ruin one of the few things that I love in this world. I just can’t. No.
Which is why I have this blog. To share and unfold these delicious stories for your personal enjoyment and sensory sadistic tendencies!
On shows like House, Grey’s Anatomy, and ER, fun foreign objects are usually found: tiny toys in the nostrils of a toddler, condoms in vaginal canals, small vibrators or beads in other canals—you know—the usual. But those get old after a time. They’re almost not even worth bringing up after the first year of medical school. No. The dinner conversations I am referring to are the FBs in colons, behind the cervix, or even in the cavernous, dank folds of fat and skin that apparently suck in everything in the environment like a Dyson. Can you imagine it?!? Look to your right. Now, look to your left. Someone’s side stomach just sucked in a pen, a paperclip, and possibly Whiskers, the cat. Then some poor Resident/Med Student/Intern soul has to get a headlamp, some gloves, and go diving in to retreat those articles…Who signs up for this shit willingly? (Really, I think that medical school and residency are akin to pledging a heinously illegal and morally insidious fraternity).
For your reading pleasure, I have collected my top 5 foreign body object stories from over the years. If you have your own foreign body story to add, please grab a triple chunk brownie and leave a comment below to join the conversation.
*Please note, that no patient names, timing of events, or specific scenarios are ever discussed at the dinner table, or here in this blog. All situations are general and seemingly common as corroborated via internet articles and global professional and spousal discussions. As an occasional patient of the medical community, I fully appreciate and support HIPPA policies, and the same goes for our verbal roundtables with loved ones and colleagues.
Top 5 Foreign Body Stories
5. Pet Bird
Reason: It wouldn’t stop singing.
Outcome: Bird did not survive the extraction. Patient admits that this may have not been his best plan.
4. Glass Eyeball
Region: Vagina…waaaayyyy up there…
Reason: Woman was about to get into a brawl on the street and wanted to keep her eye out of harms way, so she stored it. You know. Up there. Where else would you put your favorite glass eye?
Outcome: Successful, but patient was advised to wash the glass orb before proper insertion.
3. Buzz Lightyear – wings splayed out
Reason: None. He fell on it. Of course.
Outcome: After an incredible x-ray of Buzz’s silhouette with wings fully spread in the patient’s colon, patient was admitted to surgery for Buzz’s next moon landing. Patient is advised to wear proper shoes and be more careful when…um…walking…
2. Glade Plug-In
Reason: “It smelled bad. I thought it should smell like clean linen.”
Outcome: Successful extraction in the emergency room. Unsuccessful cessation of malodorous downstairs.
1. The Gospels of Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John
Region: Vagina (after several weeks of stewing).
Reason: “I wanted to feel the word of God.”
Outcome: Patient is fine. Doctor is scarred for life after being curious enough to read what the fine print was in the finely rolled pages of the Biblical tampon.